January 16, 2018 -Toronto, Ontario – Celebrity nude photo leaks, also known as revenge porn, have become rampant in recent years. Most notably, 2014 saw several A-list actresses like Jennifer Lawrence and Kirsten Dunst affected. In late 2017, pop superstar Sia published her own nude photos via Twitter, in an effort to scoop paparazzi who’d photographed her sunbathing during a vacation. However, nude photo leaks aren’t exclusively relegated to household names; they affect rising stars, too—something upcoming rapper CJ Stain learned the hard way.
Unauthorized nude photos of the fledgling star surfaced online in early December, via various social media platforms, gossip websites, and blogs. Though established celebs can overcome the embarrassment with the help of established publicists, such a scandal can easily become a roadblock for a rising musician.
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Stain has remained mum on the photo leak, using his Twitter account, and that of his record label VIE Music Group, to promote his music and share what appears to be sponsored content from Crowdfire. There’s no mention of the scandal. Perhaps, there’s a chance for this to be nothing more than a blip on his radar.
Because he didn’t authorize the release of these photos, he has the option of pursuing legal action to have the photos removed and receive possible damages for the harm to his career and public persona.
Who is CJ Stain?
CJ Stain first made waves in the music industry after his YouTube cover of Sage the Gemini’s “Good Thing” went viral. Since then, he’s continued to build his career with covers of widespread songs. Most recently, his depiction of Major Lazer and Justin Bieber’s hit “Cold Water” sent fans into a Pandemonium. The a unsanctioned sample of the track was leaked early and received positive coverage from numerous outlets. The official remake is set to be released later this year
In addition to his music, Stain is an actor and a passionate activist. He uses his music to uplift women and change the way female artists are treated in the music industry—a message that’s surely welcome in the midst of the #metoo movement.
Perhaps a great song will help Stain and his fan base move forward from this scandal.
Sex. That pleasant but troublesome three letter word which has the entire world in a frenzy. There is a very powerful scientific reason we all enjoy talking about sex, and enjoy having it even more, a simple yet powerful reason. Sex is vitally linked to our most powerful instinct, the instinct to survive. We need to procreate in order for the species to survive. Additionally, if like me you believe in the Genesis account of creation, then the act of love was God’s precious gift to humanity on the sixth day of creation, when the first couple became ‘one flesh’. God Himself performed that first wedding ceremony. And the first couple were naked and not ashamed. We have come a long way, baby.
Since I write from the perspective of the Judeo-Christian tradition, then I stand on the pillar that marriage was designed by the Creator as the foundation for building a loving home and raising a family. When you stand to give a wedding toast you are joining with the eternal universe to celebrate all that is good and lovely in creation.
Most experts would agree that the wedding toast should be brief, sincere, light-hearted, make a reference to the subject of the toast, and end with a punch line which includes the actual toast. A wedding is also a family occasion, or so I have been brought up to believe. Public speakers have a responsibility to maintain the dignified atmosphere and joy of a wedding ceremony. So persons proposing toast have no business reducing the occasion to an x-rated display of indelicate words.
It is most undignified to verbally undress the couple as is so fashionable nowadays. Let them discover each other in the nuptial chambers. Come on people! Please put some dignity back into the wedding toasts. Wish them health, wealth, long life, children, everything good; but stop giving explicit lectures on sex.
Wait! Before you run off thinking I’m an unrealistic and hypocritical prude, I readily concede that there is a place in the wedding toast for tactful reference to the act of love. So if you must refer to sex here are five suggestions:
1) Explicit language should refer to kisses and caresses; not penetration and intercourse. See the Song of Solomon. In this song of songs we find immortal lines such as: “Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth.” “Honey and milk are under thy tongue.”
2) State your suggestions for a happy sex life, if you must, in gentle language and subtle ambiguities. Mature adults will connect the dots. Talk whimsically about fighting and making up in the bedroom.
3) So you are notoriously indelicate and insist on getting into descriptions! Leave out the clinical details. Use sex stories from the animal kingdom. This way you avoid shocking and embarrassing your audience. After all, our pets reproduce, and farm animals are fair game for discussion.
4) Avoid reference to the premarital sexual behavior of the bride or groom, unless you are commending virtue.
5) Masters of ceremony, please stop the sex manual training as small talk. Premarital counselling has been invented. I suppose it will always be in vogue to tell the young groom to be gentle and attentive.
Yes, speakers, sex is very important, but there is a time and place for everything. I long to attend a wedding where the toasts celebrate love and marriage without indelicate reference to the act of marriage.
The term “adult dating” refers to the dating habits, which essentially carry responsibility and maturity in the way of search for the romantic relationship. So, Adult Dating stands to being mature and responsible while carrying out the romantic relationship. It is not something like what a teenager or a person in early twenties does recklessly and irresponsibly while dating.
Real Adult Dating comprises of the elements of intelligence over immature gestures while dating a person. The immature singles think of a nightclub or a bar when it comes to find a quick potential date. However, the responsible adult dater chooses some other places in search of a potential date. The matured adult knows that the person who has more in common with him can be found by pursuing his favorite hobby or interest. So more precisely, adult dater is committed to find another person who shares the common interests and hobbies. Adult dating doesn’t merely look for the physical satisfaction or void romance.
Also, responsible adult dating embraces treating your date with respect even at a time when the things are not well. Remember, behaving rudely with your date at a time when things are not in place is not the sign of a mature person. So, be polite and behave respectfully as it would surely get you more pleasure and romantic moments.
Often, it is seen that teenagers and young daters get involved for physical reasons! But, a mature person realizes that true dating is all about mutual respect. A mature person looks for a companion, who has something in common with him than just physical attraction. So, the adult daters grow into being more mature and responsible and then the bars and nightclubs become an idle place for them.
So, if you are looking for adult dating then the internet is not the right place for you. Just wake up and visit some museum, concert or a workshop where your favorite events take place. While getting involved in your favorite hobbies and interests, look out for other exciting people who share the common interests and hobbies with you. And, gradually you will find a perfect adult date, which will help you develop your relationship satisfactorily and romantically. So, just go ahead and experience the mature dating habits as the life is very short to experience the real joy and learn the art of romance.
Eroticism and sexuality are reaching new dimensions nowadays, together with the appearance of a great range of contents and publications that are destined to promote them at high levels. Erotica publications are gaining more popularity based on the fact that eroticism and the sexual act are presented through a mature perspective, a perspective that focuses, besides on the sexual act itself, on passion, feelings, attitudes, sensations and other types of stimulants that have specific roles in intimate relations.
Mature erotica – what is it? Is mature erotica sexual explicit content destined to mature individuals? Is mature erotica a sort of literature, art that appeals to adults? Let’s put it this way: mature erotica is a world of passion, but a soft passion that is expressed through more tender actions and relations between mature partners. A world of sensations, yet more delicate sensations that have grown and developed in years. Erotica publications present a wide range of categories that include women erotica, erotica for men, classic erotica and mature erotica, to name a few. Mature erotica is probably the most specialized one as it presents sexual acts and activities from a more mature, complex perspective.
But why “mature”? What is the main difference between mature erotica and other similar contents? First of all, an experienced individual experiences sexual activities and lives the intimate relations differently than an individual who is a debutant in this field. Sure, the perceptions regarding the sexual activity and sexuality itself change with the passing of the years and with gaining more experience. And this is precisely what mature erotica does: it presents the sexual act and its complex context through a mature perception. Sex is not just sex; it is not a simple, dynamic, physical action. Sexual activity implies senses, implies fantasies, openness, feelings and creativity – and all these are described with detail in mature erotica contents.
Mature erotica has many fans and admirers, many readers and viewers. From poems to short stories and novels, the wide range of mature erotica contents attracts adults that are willing to rediscover their passion and to relight their sexual desire. As it expresses the sexual act as a beautiful, wonderful and complex experience, adults are invited to live this experience in its complexity, to release their passion and fantasies and to literally live and feel the sexual act.
Mature erotica appeals both to men and women, as it manages to present fantasies in an appealing, sensual way, a way that promotes sexuality only in combination with other types of stimulants (besides the strictly sexual ones). Fantasies are let free, minds are let open. Age is of no relevance, since the only thing that matters is the sexual desire and attitude. An attitude that combines sensuality and senses with sexual stimulants, emotions and feelings – this is the base of mature erotica.
Acne problems have often been associated with puberty. However, there are some people who continue to have various forms of acne even as an adult. One common problem faced by many adults is adult acne. Out of all the different types of acne, it is adult acne which has been considered to be the most severe type of acne plaguing adults all over the world.
What is Adult Acne?
Unlike most types of acne where blackheads or whiteheads might be present, adult acne is a type of severe nodular acne brought about infections deep within the pores. The infection causes the development of a cyst-like substance to form and accumulate within the skin. A person that is inflicted with this problem is one who eventually develops low self-esteem and confidence physically. Apart from the painful lesions brought about by adult cystic acne, a person suffering from adult cystic acne would need to deal with constant bleeding of the acne as well as the discharge of the cyst which is often characterized by a foul odor.
Causes of Adult Cystic Acne
No one can really say what causes adult cystic acne. However, there are a number of different probable causes. Some of the causes include:
· Poor hygiene
· Hair follicles trapped underneath the surface of the skin
· Unbalanced diet
Treatment for Acne in Adults
While many may consider acne as a normal skin condition, it should not be taken lightly. In fact, in some occasions, a person suffering from this type of acne can eventually develop complications brought up about with the toxins found in the cyst. Here are some common forms of adult cystic treatments:
Perhaps the most common form of treatment is the use of various prescription medications such as Orovo Acne and Oxycerin. These medications come usually in the form of ointments and serums. Prescription medications used in adult acne treatments are applied directly onto the skin. This is then absorbed into the inner layers of the skin, causing it to be able to treat the cyst-like substance characterized among people needing acne treatments.
The most extreme form of treatment that is commonly being used is surgery. This type of adult acne treatment is often done is severe conditions. In this case, the depth of the cyst-like substance in the pores cannot be penetrated by other forms of adult acne remedy treatments. Here the cyst-like substance is drained out of the pores completely through a minor surgery procedure. Since this adult acne remedy does promote scarring, many of those who go through this kind of acne treatment are then referred to a cosmetic surgeon to treat the scars.
Rather using any chemical cure, it is always good and advisable to stick with natural cure! As examined before, chemicals might come with side effects, whereas natural cure will never harm you anyways. Natural ingredients like the Omega oils, Aloe Vera, and vitamin oil can create thunders and wonders with respect to adult acne cure. They could even stop swelling, redness and itchiness on your skin. For all these reasons, natural ingredients are always the best for adult acne remedy and treatment.
As you get older, you think that your acne will just go away. Think again! Although it is typically associated with teenagers, it is a condition that can continue on our pastor teens and into adulthood. Here are a few simple suggestions that you can use to treat your adult onset acne.
The disease of acne can cause several problems in adults, including social symptoms, physical, psychological symptoms. The same concerns from having regular or cystic acne, as a preteen or teenager, may still affect you as an adult. According to clinical studies, pimples have become a rising problem with adults.
Many adults may find it hard to treat and also difficult to admit that they have acne at all causing them to not seek treatment. Most adults can actually have a more difficult time dealing with the many psychological effects because there are so many misconceptions that occur in our society.
Some people who were affected by extreme cases, especially cystic acne, as teens do grow out of it. However, there are a surprising number of adults suffer from adult onset acne, a variety of that is becoming more academic everyday.
Acne can also cause discomfort in social situations. It will lower their self-confidence. There is a enormous amount of information available about adult acne, and people who are afflicted with this condition. By seeking psychological counseling, they may be better be able to deal with the psychological effects.
Adults need to be more careful with their skin, even more so than a young adult. Dermatologists have stated for years that an adult’s skin is actually more prone to scarring from acne due to loss of collagen as their skin ages. The scars can’t heal as effectively as they would on a teenager, and therefore become more prominent.
So, there are adult acne cures available at your local store and even over-the-counter. The best solutions are typically prescribed by dermatologists. Once the awareness for this disease has increased, more people will be seeking medical help for their adult onset acne.
People are talking about adult personals. There’s no doubt about it. As regular dating sites are seen as too tame to meet their adventurous needs people are posting adult personals through adult dating websites. Every day thousands of people seeking alternative lifestyles write uncensored adult personals ads. Adult dating websites offers an enticing adult dating community where you are free to share and explore your wildest fantasies.
Imagine browsing through adult photo galleries of handsome men and beautiful women of every size and shape – just waiting to respond to your adult personals. There are many adult dating websites that have 100% free trials with no credit card or payment required to register.
In fact, adult personals are extremely steamy and attention grabbing. Upon entering an adult dating website you will find all types of adult personals. The website designs’ are user-friendly so that you can find your preferences whether its swingers personals, married personals, interracial personals, gay personals or BBW personals.
The opportunities offered by adult dating websites includes video chat rooms with sizzling video clips or watch 24hr live webcams of attractive people whose attire leaves little to the imagination. Plus, you can play interactive games or find out about the hottest adult parties and events in your area.
Some of the top adult dating websites are Yahoo adult personals and Adult Friend Finder personals. In the exciting world of adult personals, people are often looking for discreet local relationships.
But before you jump into the world of adult personals or brave the gates of any adult dating website, you should have a healthy self-image and a sense of self-liberation. What’s more, the adult dating sites contain mature material, pictures and contents for individuals seeking alternative encounters.
1. Codependence as a Concept:
Those who identify with the adult child syndrome-that is, were brought up in a dysfunctional, alcoholic, or abusive home-of-origin and suffer from arrested development-often are also afflicted with a disease known as “codependence.” What does it have to do with the fundamental syndrome and what is it to begin with?
The understanding of a concept can often be augmented with comparisons, which increase the clarity of one when discussed in relation to the other. In this case, oddly, it can be achieved with the field of astronomy and what is known as a binary star.
Consisting of two identical stars, each locks on to the other’s gravity and perpetually orbits the other until one or the other ultimately dies out. They can be considered “codependent,” because they look toward the other and therefore rely on it for their existence. They are not independent.
Adult children may, at times, engage in their own binary star symbiosis with people. But why?
2. Origin of the Term:
Those who live with or are closely associated with those who are chemically or alcoholically dependent for their daily functioning can be considered “codependent,” because they quickly become “dependent” with and through them. Although the primary person may be considered the one afflicted with the disease, the secondary one or ones, who are usually the children chronically exposed to his or her behavior, adopt a byproduct of it, struggling to keep it together and function as optimally and efficiently as they can in the world after childhood circumstances progressively pulled them apart. Liquor and/or other substances need not be present.
Indeed, para-alcoholism, an early term for codependence, implies that a person’s actions are driven by the unresolved, painful emotions and fears he was forced to shelve in order to survive the unstable and sometimes detrimental effects of being raised by the alcoholic himself.
3. Origins, Definitions, and Manifestations of the Disease:
The codependent seed is planted when a person turns his responsibility for his life and happiness to either his ego (false self) or others, becoming preoccupied with them to the extent that he temporarily rises above his own pain and, in its extreme, can entirely forget who he even is, when he consistently mirrors someone else-in other words, if he looks out here to the other, he will not have to look in there to himself.
“Codependence, (a major manifestation of the adult child syndrome), is a disease of lost self-hood,” according to Dr. Charles L. Whitfield in his book, “Co-Dependence: Healing the Human Condition” (Health Communications, 1991, p. 3). “It can mimic, be associated with, aggravate, and even lead to many of the physical, mental, emotional, or spiritual conditions that befall us in daily life.
“When we focus outside of ourselves, we lose touch with what is inside of us: beliefs, thoughts, feelings, decisions, choices, experiences, wants, needs, sensations, intuitions… These and more are part of an exquisite feedback system that we can call our inner life.”
In short, a person can sever his connection with his consciousness and consciousness is who he really is.
Like expecting a home appliance to operate without plugging it into an electric socket, a codependent may merge with and feed off of another to such an extent that he no longer believes he can function independently.
The origins of the malady are the same as those which cause the adult child syndrome.
“The hallmark of codependency is taking care of people who should have been taking care of you,” according to Dr. Susan Powers of the Caron Treatment Centers.
Instead of being self-centered and expecting to get their needs met, children from dysfunctional, alcoholic, or abusive homes are forced, at a very early age, to become other- or parent-centered, meeting their needs, attempting to resolve or fix their deficiencies, and sometimes making Herculean efforts to achieve their love in what may be considered an ultimate role reversal.
If this dynamic could be verbally expressed, the parent would say, “What I can’t do, you’re expected to do yourself, substituting you for me.”
And this reality may well extend beyond themselves, since they are often forced to replace their parents during times that their younger siblings have need for them, becoming surrogate mothers and fathers.
In essence, they disregard their own need for a parent and become one themselves. Instead of being nurtured, they cultivate codependence, since it places them on a path that will entail seeking it in others.
“Our experience shows that the codependent rupture, which creates an outward focus to gain love and affection, is created by a dysfunctional childhood… ,” according to the “Adult Children of Alcoholics” textbook (World Service Organization, 2006, p. 60.) “The soul rupture is the abandonment by our parents or caregivers… (and) sets us up for a life of looking outward for love and safety that never comes.”
This condition is only exacerbated by the same parents who neither support nor permit a child to express or heal his hurts-and may actually be met with denial or shame if he tries to do so-leaving him little choice but to stuff and swallow them, resulting in a repressed, but mounting accumulation of unresolved negative emotions. After repeated squelching of a child’s observations, feelings, and reactions-in essence, his reality-he progressively disconnects from his true self and denies his crucial inner cues.
Unraveling, he is poised on the threshold that leads from in to out-that is, toward others and away from himself, sparking the conflict between his once true and since replaced false self, which manifests itself as codependence.
Forced, additionally, to focus on his parent’s moods, attitudes, and behaviors further plants the roots of this condition, but nevertheless becomes a necessary survival tactic for two primary reasons.
First and foremost, children assume responsibility for their parents’ deficiencies and ill treatment by justifying it, erroneously reasoning that their own flaws, lack of worth, and general unloveability are the culprits for the withholds of their validation and acceptance, thus shifting the burden from the ones who should be carrying it to the one who should not.
Secondly, adopting a sixth sense concerning their parents’ moods becomes a safety gauge and enables them to emotionally and physiologically prepare themselves for what has most likely become habitual and even cyclical negative confrontations of verbal and physical abuse.
As episodes of “expected abnormalcy,” they add insurmountable layers of trauma to the original, but no longer remembered one. Unable, then or now, to use the body’s fight or flight survival mechanisms, yet still drowned in a flood of stress hormones (cortisol) and elevated energy, they have no choice but to tuck themselves into the inner child protective sanctuary they created at a very young age as the only realizable “solution” to the parental-threatened and -inflicted danger, enduring, tolerating, and downright surviving the unfair power play and “punishment” they may believe is being administered because of “deserved discipline.”
Like signals, a mere frown on or cringe of a parent’s face may prime the child for the episodes he knows will assuredly follow. So thick can the tension in the air become at these times, that he can probably cut it with a knife.
Part of the wounding, which reduces a person’s sense of self and esteem and increases his feeling of emptiness, occurs as a result of projective identification. Volatility charged, yet unable to get to the center of or bore through his emotional pain, a parent may project, like a movie on to a screen, parts of himself on to another, such as his vulnerable, captive child, until that child takes on and identifies with the projection.
Releasing and relieving himself, the sender, (the parent) does not have to own or even take responsibility for his negative feelings. If the recipient (the child) ultimately acts them out after repeated projected implanting, whose emotions now mount into uncontainable proportions, the sender may berate or belittle him for them, in an ultimate out-of-persona dynamic, which transfers emotions from one to the other.
“If we have unhealthy boundaries, we are like sponges that absorb the painful, conflicted material of others sent from their inner life,” wrote Whitfield in “Co-Dependence: Healing the Human Condition” (Health Communications, 1991, p. 93). “It is clearly not ours, yet we soak it up.
“(This only causes) the true self to go into hiding to protect itself from the overwhelming pain of mistreatment, abuse, lack of being affirmed and mirrored in a healthy way, and the double and other negative messages from toxic others around it,” he noted.
These incidents, needless to say, become breeding grounds for both the adult child syndrome and its codependent manifestation.
“The adult child syndrome is somewhat interchangeable with the diagnosis of codependence,” according to the “Adult Children of Alcoholics” textbook (World Service Organization, 2006, pp. 6-7). “There are many definitions for codependence; however, the general consensus is that codependent people tend to focus on the wants and needs of others rather than their own. By doing so, the codependent or adult child can avoid his or her own feelings of low self-worth… A codependent focuses on others and their problems to such an extent that the codependent’s life is often adversely affected.”
Part of a codependent’s breeding occurs because a child needs his parents for his emotional and psychological development, yet he often dips into a dry well when he connects with them to achieve this goal, emerging dissatisfied, unfulfilled, and almost stung by the negative, rejecting energy. He may, in fact, implement several strategies to attain what he vitally needs, but will often fail, since his parents themselves never received what he seeks because of their own dysfunctional or incomplete childhoods.
If they could be considered profit-and-loss statements, they would most likely show an emotional deficit and, eventually, so, too, will the child, prompting his ultimate outward- and other- focus.
Bombarded with parental blame and shame, a child can quickly believe that he causes others’ negative or detrimental actions by virtue of his sheer existence, as if he were a negatively influencing entity and may carry both this belief and its burden for most of his life.
“As children, we took responsibility for our parents’ anger, rage, blame, or pitifulness… ,” according to the “Adult Children of Alcoholics” textbook (World Service Organization, 2006, p. 7). “This mistaken perception, born in childhood, is the root of our codependent behavior as adults.”
Dr. Charles L. Whitfield uncovers an even deeper cause.
“The cause of codependence is a wounding of the true self to such an extent that, to survive, it had to go into hiding most of the time, with the subsequent running of its life by the false or codependent self,” he wrote in “Co-Dependence: Healing the Human Condition” (Health Communications, 1991, p. 22). “It is thus a disease of lost self-hood.”
“… The child’s vulnerable true self… is wounded so often that to protect (it), it defensively submerges (splits off) deep within the unconscious part of the psyche,” he also noted (p. 27).
This split, one of the many detriments of codependence, arrests this development, as his inner child remains mired in the initial trauma that necessitated its creation. Although his chronological age may advance, his emotional and psychological progress remains suspended, creating the adult child. His body and physical statue may suggest the first part of this “adult” designation to others, but his reactions may more closely approximate the second “child” part of it.
Conflicted, he may engage in an internal battle he does not entirely understand, as his adult side wishes and needs to function at an age-appropriate level, but his child half clings to the sting of his unresolved harm, seeking sanctuary and safety. He is unable to satisfy both.
People naturally seek relief from pain and addictions and compulsions, a second manifestation of codependence, is one of the methods they employ, especially since they lack any understanding about their affliction. Because they spark the brain’s reward system, however, they only provide temporary, fleeting fixes, not solutions.
Exacerbating this dilemma is the fact that they flow from a false sense of self, which itself can only be mollified, quelled, or deceptively filled by these means.
Since their childhood circumstances were both familiar and normal to them, they subconsciously may also attract, now as adult children, those with similar upbringings by means of sixth-sense intuitions or identifications, creating a third codependent manifestation.
“… On (an even) deeper level,” according to Whitefield in “Co-Dependence: Healing the Human Condition” (Health Communications, 1991, p. 54), “they may also be drawn to one another in a search to heal their unfinished business and, perhaps more importantly, their lost self.”
Nevertheless, inter-relating with others who themselves function from the deficit-dug holes in their souls, they only re-create the childhood dynamics they experienced with their parents, substituting their partners for them and suffering a secondary form of wounding over and above the primary one sustained in childhood. In effect, they become another link in the intergenerational chain.
Even if they encounter whole, loving people, who are able to provide the needed acceptance and validation they crave, they are unable to accept it, since they do not function from the true self that otherwise could-nor, in the event, do they even believe that they deserve it. It bounces off of them like an image on a mirror, only creating yet a fourth byproduct of codependence.
Aside from the codependent foundation laid in childhood by dysfunctional parents, who themselves were wounded and caused the adult child syndrome upon which its codependent aspect was based, the condition is far more prevalent in society than may at first be apparent. Continually, but sometimes subtly modeled, it can almost be considered contagious.
4. Identifying Codependence:
One of the frustrating aspects of codependence is that it either wears a disguise or remains altogether hidden, prompting the behavioral modifications and almost-scripted roles of those who suffer from it, such as rescuer, people-pleaser, perfectionist, overachiever, victim, martyr, lost child, comedian, mascot, bully, and even abuser, that deludes others to the fact that it is present. The motivation for such behavior is not always immediately apparent.
Nevertheless, there are several traits which characterize codependence.
Sparked by the need to protect the traumatized inner child and arising, in part, from disordered relationships, it results, first and foremost, in the creation of the false self, which replaces the genuine, intrinsic one, and becomes the root of all other addictions and compulsions. The emptier a person feels inside, the more he seeks to fill that void outside.
“Codependence is not only the most common addiction,” according to Whitefield in “Co-Dependence: Healing the Human Condition” (Health Communications, 1991, pp. 5-6), “it is the base out of which all our other addictions and compulsions emerge. Underneath nearly every addiction and compulsion lies codependence. And what runs them is twofold: a sense of shame that our true self is somehow defective or inadequate, combined with the innate and healthy drive of our true self that does not realize and (cannot) express itself. The addiction, compulsion, or disorder becomes the manifestation of the erroneous notion that something outside ourselves can make us happy and fulfilled.”
And underlying codependence is shame and a deep belief that the person is inadequate, incomplete, and flawed.
Avoiding his own negative feelings and painful past, he becomes externally and other-focused, yet is unable to genuinely connect with them, with himself, or with a Higher Power of his understanding through the false or pseudo-self he was forced to create. In fact, this has the opposite or repelling effect.
His boundaries, another aspect of the disease, may be distorted, undefined, and extend beyond himself.
Finally, as a defense, codependence is learned, acquired, progressive, and inextricably tied to the adult child syndrome, since the false self serves as the link between the two.
5. Codependence and the Brain:
Codependence is both additive and breeds addictions. People’s actions are usually motivated by rewards and, in this case, the reward is the temporary disconnection from their painful pasts by focusing on others and the belief that doing so will bring them happiness and fulfillment, as they attempt to avoid their own emptiness and negative self-feelings.
Although they feel flawed because of their upbringing, the real flaw is that an external source can fill and replace an internal one. The more they look toward others, the more they deny and disconnect from their own needs, wants, and deficits.
“This love deficit condemns us to an existence of addiction, para-alcoholism, codependence, or seeking some other outward source to heal an inward feeling of being unwanted or defective,” according to the “Adult Children of Alcoholics” textbook (World Service Organization, 2006, p. 438).
Although certain strategies can temporarily relieve their adverse condition, such as avoiding, depending, obsessing, and compulsing, excessive reliance upon them, as ultimately occurs with codependence, exaggerates them and elevates them to addiction levels, transforming their “benefits” into deficits. Yet doing so is not a solution, since it fails to address the underlying reason for it and only ends up creating what can be considered a byproduct problem.
The more a person seeks gratification to rise above his unresolved past, the more he reinforces the neuro-pathway to pleasure in his brain, cementing the belief that this “other-person” addiction can provide satisfaction through external means-so much so, in fact, that the moment his “fix” is removed or is even threatened to be removed, he crashes and falls back into his pit of pain.
Like all addictions, however, its affects to not end there: indeed, the brain eventually creates a tolerance for them, demanding ever greater quantities, frequencies, and intensities to satisfy him, until he becomes that proverbial binary star, orbiting around others, unable to function without them, as he becomes nothing more than his mirror image.
“Just as we develop a tolerance to the effects of chemicals, we develop a tolerance to the effects of our behaviors… ,” according to Sharon Wegscheider-Cruse and Joseph Cruse in their book, “Understanding Codependency: The Science Behind it and How to Break the Cycle” (Health Communications, 2012, p. 33). “This vicious, one-way circle is a trap that ends in depression, isolation, institutions, and sometimes death.”
Excessive psychological and emotional reliance on others is, in essence, an exaggeration of normal personality traits and can ultimately disable a person, culminating in the disease of codependence. The way the body can quickly become dependent upon mood-altering chemicals, it can equally become physically dependent upon behaviors to the point that compulsions serve as his armament.
“The disease of codependency can be seen as a personal struggle with a variety of compulsive disorders,” Wegscheider-Cruse and Cruse wrote (Ibid, p. 131). “People… have lived in a condition of denial, distorted feelings, and compulsive behaviors, and as a result they have developed low self-worth, deep shame, inadequacy, and anger.”
But the codependent erroneously believes two mistruths. One is that he is intrinsically flawed and the other is that someone outside of himself can fill what he already possesses inside of himself.
Problems can be painful, but can often point to solutions-or, at the very least, that they need to be sought.
“Rather than being simply an escape from reality,” wrote Whitfield in “Co-Dependence: Healing the Human Condition” (Health Communications, 1991, p. 98), “codependence is also a search. It starts out as a search for happiness and fulfillment outside ourselves. After repeated frustration, it ultimately becomes a search for inner wholeness and completion.”
Unless recovery is undertaken, usually through therapy and twelve-step program venues, and understanding is achieved, the mistreatment, dysfunction, and abuse that causes a person’s early wound and transforms him into an adult child will only perpetuate, suppressing, paralyzing, or altogether removing the tenets of positive emotions, trust, and love needed for healthy human life and increasing the chances of its byproduct, codependence, by placing him on the fruitless path of looking outside of himself for fulfillment until it reaches addiction levels.
When a person decides to continue their education beyond high school, many times they will assume that this new education will be similar to the old education they received. The prospective student makes plans to do what they did before. After all, it worked then, so it should work now. This assumption of similarity leads many new adult students so far astray that they cannot modify their behavior, which means they will typically not complete their program of study, and will not receive the desired degree. All from a bad assumption.
The Cause of the Differences
The reasons high school and adult educations are so different stem from two distinct differences between the two styles of education: the source and the target. When you change the source of the education process, which is the beliefs and assumptions about the student, and the target of the education process, which is the desired level of understanding, it is not unreasonable that the process will change as well.
Adult education starts from a very different image of the student than high school. A high school student usually lives at home, with some level of support from parents. A high school student is also relatively free of responsibilities; very seldom does a high school student have a full-time job, a family, and a household to support. And a high school student is typically very inexperienced in running their own lives. Adult students tend to live on their own, with jobs and families and other responsibilities which must be balanced with school. Briefly, high school students are adolescents while adult students are, well, adults.
The goal of a high school education is to provide a foundational level of understanding of the world the student will be entering. High school classes are designed for a general population and to provide an understanding of the skills and knowledge that is needed for a new adult. Adult education is designed for a much more focused result, providing a more in-depth understanding of a particular subject matter. This focus means that other skills and other aspects of the student are ignored by the courses of an adult program of study.
Implications for the Student
An adult student must approach their courses with a different mindset, and a different set of behaviors, than a high school student. The adult student is given more control over their behavior, and more responsibility.
An adult student is responsible for making sure the work for the class is done, not the teacher. The student will be periodically reminded about missing and upcoming work, but the responsibility for getting the work done is the student’s, not the teacher’s. Many teachers will not allow for late work, or will penalize late work severely. And much of the work of adult classes is done outside of the class.
Classes in adult education cover more material in the same period of time. The teacher will often cover the material once or twice with the assumption that any student who does not understand will work outside of class to learn it and/or will come visit the instructor during office hours. While the adult can expect some repetition in the class, it will be significantly less than what they experienced in high school.
Adult students need to practice time management to a much greater degree than high school students. This need for time management comes from both the increased work load from the course and from the other facets of the student’s life. Adult students are assumed to handle this time management, and if they are having problems they need to seek the necessary help.
Finally, adult students are responsible for their own commitment to the course. High school teachers, given the adolescent nature of their students, are constantly working to get the student to understand why something is studied. This is much less important to an adult teacher; while an adult teacher may provide some justification for the study of certain subjects, the justification for being in school should already be present in an adult student. It is, after all, the student’s choice to attend.